Billy Bob Ryder's Pro Wrestling News

The Ryder Report- 8/23/09

2009-08-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

-Kurt Angle recently addressed his recent arrest for stalking Rhaka Khan by claiming that he was so hard up that he nearly chose Amazing Kong to stalk instead.

-Speaking of Amazing Kong, she is the latest TNA Knockout to be chosen to pose for Playboy. Kong would be the first woman ever to pose with four tits (Two of them are a result of her vigorous Sumo diet regimen).

-The Great Khali reportedly was not used during the recent television tapings because he had taken Libimax to give Lilian Garcia a farewell and that working it into a "Lance Storm has a big dick" angle would go against WWE's current G rated standards and practices.

-Speaking of going against WWE's family friendly content, Vince McMahon was against signing Takeshi Morishima because of him looking like a fat girl and McMahon did not want to have something(s) for kids to fap at unless Morishima was willing to wear a bra.

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Ryder Report- 7/26/09

2009-07-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

-Karen Angle recently revealed that the reason why she had an affair with Jeff Jarrett and lives with him now, along with her two children, is because years of steroid abuse had ravaged Kurt's balls to the point where both of them looked like twin Verne Troyers.

-Speaking of grotesque genitals, years of Viagra abuse has made Damian Demento confuse his new Rabbi beard for his pubes.

-Eugene is being brought back to WWE so 90% of WWE's audience (kids) can truly relate to someone of their intelligence level, instead of looking up to John "Wigger Jarhead" Cena.

-Brian Christopher recently got severely jumped in the jail shower when inmates found out he had a Hitler tattoo near his Little Lawler. The tattoo would supposedly give the "Nazi Hand Sign" whenever he got a boner.

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Ryder Report- 7/18/09

2009-07-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

-For the past year, Damian Demento has been off 14 different types of anti-psychotics, anti-dellusionals, anti-grandiose idiocities and anti-poothole infammatories- which explains his recent stammering, time wasting rants, which I will not plug for him, since he's a White Castle burger eating jobber who thinks of himself along the lines of Michael Jordon.

-C.M. Punk was recently caught smoking a marijuana joint in the bathroom with Randy Orton. Punk claims that Orton forced him to smoke it or else he'd tell everyone about Punk's secret habit of snorting frozen Pepsi shavings.

-John Cena recently married his longtime girlfriend after being allowed by his fiancee to bang Mickie James for six months straight. Cena better have a good excuse for his dick warts to his wife...

If I can be serious for a minute...

-Evo 2009 is under way @ The Rio in Las Vegas as I blog. I wish I could've gone this year for Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix, but there's always next year. ;)

-Follow me (my semi-serious side) on Twitter, no pro wrestling news parodies- that's for here. ;)

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Ryder Report- 7/13/09

2009-07-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

-Umaga recently no-showed an Indy booking because he needed to have a steroid needle surgically removed from his bung pore.

-Speaking of steroids, Vince McMahon's testicles have reduced to the size of raisins, compared to his normal grape fruit size from the late '90s; due to his grotesque steroid use in which him and Triple H share a needle and shave each others' balls afterwards.

-Big Van Vader recently had to pay a $1,500 service charge for collapsing into a row of buffet courts at a local Sizzlers. Vader responded by stating that if you chase him for driving drunk, he'll kill your cop dogs and put them on buns.

-Brock Lesnar states that his beef with Frank Mir stems from Mir snubbing Lesnar in the shower when Mir stated that Lesnar's dick reminds him of a mashed G.I. Joe that ate Mexican food for a week straight. Lesnar subsequently had Sable (Dressed like Bastion Booger) jerk him off in the Mandalay Bay's broiler room to prepare for his fight with Mir for UFC 100.

-Nailz states that he shouldn't have testified against Vince McMahon in court during the early '90s WWF steroid and sex scandal, because Vince could've been on the receiving end of justifiable butthole plundering in prison, compared to what Vince did to Nailz in the shower. According to Nailz, Vince also attempted to force him to eat steroids so his balls could bulge through his prison garb.

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Ryder Report 7/10/09

2009-07-10T04:19:00.000-07:00

-A Mexicools reunion was in the works from WWE creative, but Juventud Guerrera is not allowed in the United States because of him smoking pot in front of John Laurinaitis and imitating his stupid ass voice.

-Scott Hall is still blackballed from WWE, stemming from an incident where he drank Jagermeister and ran around the locker room chasing Funaki with only a fanny pack and no underpunts.

-Speaking of being blackballed, Randy Savage is still off limits on Titan Towers grounds because of him playing fanny pack Twister with a jail bait Stephanie McMahon.

-Bryan Danielson is the best wrestler I've ever seen, honestly. He does Cattle Mutilation better than any gray alien from Zeta Reticuli that I've ever seen. No fucking shit, son.

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Ryder Report- 07/07/09

2009-07-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

-Ahmed Johnson recently attended a casting call in Hollywood to be a spokesperson for Denny's. The Big Johnson was vehemently denied the role, due to him repeatedly insisting that "Jews" and "Hop Skip Gee" should come and eat there, while reading his lines (But, he was really reading the lines, BTW).

-Here is a recent photograph of Greg "The Hammer" Valentine at a backyard wrestling event, in which he played the role of Dire Dan's grandmother. Yes, his tits are really that much more "Flaired out" than Ric's.

-John Cena admits that his beef with The Rock stems from an incident from when Rock called Cena a "honky" after he had a dark match as his former gimmick, The Prototype, a few years back before Cena made his official debut. The Rock, now known by his real name Dwayne Johnson, rebutted by stating that he confused Cena for The Honky Tonk Man based on his wrestling skill and that Cena probably took it in a racist way.

-JBL recently addressed longtime rumors of him being a locker room and shower bully during his stint in WWE on a local New York City radio station. Leyfield was adamant that the majority of the cruiserweights came to him first for sexual favors, not the other way around in a forcible manner. A caller phoned in and said that Bradshaw, "Soaped up his ass crack in the shower out of nowhere," and that "JBL's impersonation of a stallion, that hadn't had conjugal filly in years, made me become a Christian." JBL then said hi to Shawn and they went on to talk about his new drink called Marijuana Juice. Rob Van Dam called in afterwards and wanted to preorder 500 bottles. Sabu could be heard giggling like a bored Arab in a whore house in the background (He didn't care because he got all 300 or so of his virgins through Sunny's flip flap.)

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Ryder Report- 7/06/09

2009-07-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

-Billy Gunn has reportedly reverted back to his male prostitution ways by allowing Mexican minis to take little coke snooters off his tiny dick. Gunn, reportedly, gets himself arrested in Mexico numerous times on purpose so he can be a shower shark to other minis.

-Brian Blair recently had a violent altercation with the Iron Sheik in a gay night club. Sheik, who had been heavily drinking and high off cocaine the whole night, went up to Blair from behind, pulled his pants down and... Turned him around and greeted him by shaking his penis.

-Mr. Kennedy has reportedly turned down numerous movie roles in the porno industry since being released from WWE. The movie roles reportedly involved Kennedy being a bondage victim for Ahmed Johnson looking fellows with a Shelton Benjamin hard on.

-The Briscoe Brothers have been indefinitely suspended by ROH for accidentally shooting a neighbors pet chicken while cutting a recent promo for the Video Wire in their backyard.

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Michael Jackson's death a publicity stunt.

2009-07-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

On thee day of Michael Jackson's funeral, he will jump out of his casket and perform Thriller on top of it, all to just promote his final tour. He will, in turn, inherit the status of "Anti-Christ" and reveal the fact that he is a reptilian alien named Quazgaa that will join RVD in a crusade to legally smoke dope and fly to the Mars planet in order to save ourselves from the 2012 polar axis shift...

You read it here first, sons...